This morning I found out that my Grandma who has been battling cancer for the past 11 months passed away.

She was always such a strong and healthy woman. I admired her so much. When I found out she had cancer, I couldn't believe it because she had always been so strong. Seeing her so weak was the hardest thing. I had never seen her that way before so I didn't even recognize her most of the time. She was such a different person. I mean she was still my grandma but I felt like she had changed, which in reality, she had. she had become cancer to me. and for this I will never forgive myself. I feel so ashamed that for these 11 months I found it hard to look at her. I'm disgusted with myself.

I was pretty close with my Grandma. Since I was little, I had always looked forward to her visiting from her home in California, and likewise visiting her. She was always very cheery and funny and always brought and sent gifts from her travels across the world. She is the person who so strongly influenced my father, stepmom, and I to begin traveling and scuba diving. Without her, I probably would never have even thought of scuba diving. I am eternally thankful that she introduced me to such an amazing hobby. I'll always remember diving with her. she was my dive buddy. we always stuck side by side when diving. I Want to remember her as she was then. I don't ever want to remember her with cancer. she was no longer herself. I feel like she died for me eleven months ago, but at least her body was still here to comfort me, if only a little.

I'm just so devastated. She'll never see me graduate or even get my driver's license. I'll never see her on a plane or in a wetsuit again. I'll never hug her or admire her ridiculously long french braided hair again. I never hug her again or hear her Minnesotan accent again. I'm going to miss her so much. I'll never receive another "care package", a box filled with random nick-knacks and gifts from abroad, again. Last time I saw her, I promised her I would dye what little hair she had growing back pink for her. She really wanted this. I regret that I ever got the chance to give her one last smile.

She had such a strong impact on me. I don't understand why she had to be afflicted with such a terrible illness. It isn't fair. she never did anything to deserve such misery. I'm happy she's no longer in pain, but I'm also angry. I'm mad at her. isn't that disgusting? I'm so mad that she would leave us in such pain. I never got any closure with her. I last saw her about 2 weeks ago and the last thing I said was "see you in a week or so : D" with a big grin as though I was so sure I'd see her. Stupid. I shouldn't ever assume. I should have hugged her more lovingly and told her I loved her more meaningfully. I just couldn't bear to hug her too tightly for fear I'd break her frail body. I didn't want to make her cry with sincerity. I was so scared to show emotion. I didn't want her to know I was scared that she'd die, as though me not showing it made the reality all that less real to her. she knew she was dying. I just didn't want her to know I knew. I wanted to make her think I thought of her like she was before the cancer, even though I knew she wasn't.

This world is cruel and filled with disgusting people and hideous criminals who deserve to die a painful death. she isn't one of them. Why did she have to get such a horrible disease while fucking disgusting criminals like Charles Manson sit alive and well in prison. people like that deserve to die. not pure-of-heart grandmothers who love nothing more than to be with her family and diving. It isn't fair.

This world is cruel.

Rest in peace grandma Mary. I will never forget you as long as I live.