This morning I found out that my Grandma who has been battling cancer for the past 11 months passed away.

She was always such a strong and healthy woman. I admired her so much. When I found out she had cancer, I couldn't believe it because she had always been so strong. Seeing her so weak was the hardest thing. I had never seen her that way before so I didn't even recognize her most of the time. She was such a different person. I mean she was still my grandma but I felt like she had changed, which in reality, she had. she had become cancer to me. and for this I will never forgive myself. I feel so ashamed that for these 11 months I found it hard to look at her. I'm disgusted with myself.

I was pretty close with my Grandma. Since I was little, I had always looked forward to her visiting from her home in California, and likewise visiting her. She was always very cheery and funny and always brought and sent gifts from her travels across the world. She is the person who so strongly influenced my father, stepmom, and I to begin traveling and scuba diving. Without her, I probably would never have even thought of scuba diving. I am eternally thankful that she introduced me to such an amazing hobby. I'll always remember diving with her. she was my dive buddy. we always stuck side by side when diving. I Want to remember her as she was then. I don't ever want to remember her with cancer. she was no longer herself. I feel like she died for me eleven months ago, but at least her body was still here to comfort me, if only a little.

I'm just so devastated. She'll never see me graduate or even get my driver's license. I'll never see her on a plane or in a wetsuit again. I'll never hug her or admire her ridiculously long french braided hair again. I never hug her again or hear her Minnesotan accent again. I'm going to miss her so much. I'll never receive another "care package", a box filled with random nick-knacks and gifts from abroad, again. Last time I saw her, I promised her I would dye what little hair she had growing back pink for her. She really wanted this. I regret that I ever got the chance to give her one last smile.

She had such a strong impact on me. I don't understand why she had to be afflicted with such a terrible illness. It isn't fair. she never did anything to deserve such misery. I'm happy she's no longer in pain, but I'm also angry. I'm mad at her. isn't that disgusting? I'm so mad that she would leave us in such pain. I never got any closure with her. I last saw her about 2 weeks ago and the last thing I said was "see you in a week or so : D" with a big grin as though I was so sure I'd see her. Stupid. I shouldn't ever assume. I should have hugged her more lovingly and told her I loved her more meaningfully. I just couldn't bear to hug her too tightly for fear I'd break her frail body. I didn't want to make her cry with sincerity. I was so scared to show emotion. I didn't want her to know I was scared that she'd die, as though me not showing it made the reality all that less real to her. she knew she was dying. I just didn't want her to know I knew. I wanted to make her think I thought of her like she was before the cancer, even though I knew she wasn't.

This world is cruel and filled with disgusting people and hideous criminals who deserve to die a painful death. she isn't one of them. Why did she have to get such a horrible disease while fucking disgusting criminals like Charles Manson sit alive and well in prison. people like that deserve to die. not pure-of-heart grandmothers who love nothing more than to be with her family and diving. It isn't fair.

This world is cruel.

Rest in peace grandma Mary. I will never forget you as long as I live.

Updatteeeee.

So this past weekend I went to Houston to see one of my favourite bands, The Decemberists! yay! They put on an absolutely incredible show. like srsly. They sound nearly identical live as they do recorded. I really enjoyed the show, though I really wish they would have played more of their older stuff. I wasn't aware that this tour was strictly to promote The Hazards of Love and was simply them playing their new album in its entirety. I'm not a big fan of their new album(yet) but I'm sure with time it'll grow on me. It just doesn't feel as much like them as their other albums, but it's still a really good CD. ANYWAY I had a lot of fun. I brought along with me and we had a jolly good time. There were some really cool people in the crowd standing next to us so it made for an interesting night. We were really close to the front, which was cool, but I lacked in photographic equipment, which is not so cool.

In other news, I've been sick since saturday evening with what has presented itself as being very flu-like. saturday and sunday I ran a fever of about 99-100.8 but miraculously halfway through sunday night my fever magically vanished, along with my aches. unfortunately. I still feel pretty cruddy, but I should be well on my way back to school tomorrow. C: I developed my cough friday night and mistook it for an asthmatic reaction to all the cigarette smoke in the air, but I guess not. :/

I haven't been too happy with my art lately, much less have I had time to produce much of any aesthetic value, which is why I haven't posted much recently. I promise to post more soon. If nothing else, there'll be more photography posted since I know have a whole hour and a half dedicated to it during school hours. yayy. it's so nice to have a designated time to sit down and edit the photos that are in need of editing. It would never get done otherwise lol. so expect some of that and maybe some scans from my sketchbook, which probably won't happen since I'm so damn lazy and indecisive. oh well.

welllll I guess that's all I have for you this time.

/KaiOUT.

tagged by

ALL | ABOUT | ME

- Name: Kaela, Kaelaface, the maester, pooter...lol
- Single or taken: I'm single...ladies. ;D
- Sex: I am Fee-Mayle.
- Birthday: September 1, 1993
- Sign: Virgo
- Hair color: Auburn
- Eye color: green
- Height: 5' 1 1/2''
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: gay.

F A S H I O N | S T U F F

- Favorite place to shop for clothes?: hmmmm agaci? or online.
- Favorite designer?: H. naoto? milk? body line?
- What is your sexiest outfit?: ummmmm...not sure i have one.
- What is your most comfortable outfit?: airplane shorts and summer pe shirt.
- What do you usually wear?: clothes.

S P E C I F I C S

- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Tresemme color vitality for brunettes and red
- What are you listening to right now?:silence.
- Who is the last person that called you?:
- How many buddies are online right now?: 6

F A V O R I T E S

- Food: curry
- Girls' names: Any Day of the week, melange, elodii, etc.
- Boys' names: Dexter, Jericho, Giovanni, Jaryce, etc.
- Subjects in school: Science, Art, Japanese.
- Animals: octopi, Hyena, cats, red pandas, elephants

H A V E | Y O U | E V E R

- Given anyone a bath?: yes
- Smoked?: Never
- Bungee jumped?: nope
- Made yourself throw up?: yeah and I felt 10 times better afterward lol
- Skinny dipped?: lol yeahhhh
- Ever been in love?: yes.
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: not on purpose lol
- Pictured your crush naked?: I donno. why would I remember if I had?
- Actually seen your crush naked?: no not really
- Cried when someone died?: of course.
- Lied: sure. we all do.
- Fallen for your best friend?: yup.
- Used someone?: yeah.
- Done something you regret?: eh I guess so.
C U R R E N T

- Clothes: my melody shirt and skinny jeans
- Desktop picture: Lain
- CD in player: don't have one.
- DVD in player: ummmm I think speed grapher.

L A S T | P E R S O N

- You touched: my dad
- Hugged: mandi
- You kissed: uhhhhh.
- You IMed: Juan.
- Talk to online: Juan
- You sexed it up with: in what sense? like....actually had sex with? no one. I'm a virgin.

A R E | Y O U

- Understanding?: sure
- Open-minded?: yes in most aspects
- Arrogant?: lol yeah
- Insecure?: eh
- Random?: yes lol
- Hungry?: nope. just ate dinner
- Smart?: yes
- Moody?: yeahhhh lol
- Organized?: HAHA.
- Shy?: Not really. a little bit.
- Difficult?: in some situations
- Bored easily?: of course
- Obsessed?: yeah lol
- Angry?: sometimes I have a short fuse, but for the most part I'm not an angry person.
- Happy?: most of the time
- Hyper?: no I'm actually quite tired.
- Trusting?: yeah unfortunately.

R A N D O M

- In the morning I: had some shitty coffee.
- Love is: awesome if you have it, and hurts more than anything else once it's gone.
- I dream about: some weird shit. lol
- Sexual preference: girlllsssss.
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: height, eyes, hair, body type(skinny, stocky, etc)

W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R

- Coke or Pepsi: pepsi.
- Flowers or candy: I like the sentiment of flowers, but candy is just too good to pass up.
- Tall or short: short. if they are too much taller than me, then I feel like they have too much of an advantage over me....weird I know lol.

W H O

- Makes you laugh the most: my friends
- Makes you smile: my friends
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: uh I donno?


D O | Y O U | E V E R

- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: no lol
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: no lol I like being a girl. having a dick seems like it's more trouble than it's worth though it does seem fun. lol
- Wish you were younger?: sometimes. not really.
- Cry because someone said something to you?: yeah sometimes

N U M B E R

- Of times I have had my heart broken?: truly broken? once
- Of guys I've kissed: 0
- Of girls I've kissed: 3
- Of Cd's I own: a few.
- Of scars on my body: umm alot?

whoever wants it can have it lol

Hey everyone. just a bit of an update/con debrief. lol

Sooo two weekends ago was Afest! It was great fun. made lots of friends and whatnot, which was cool. I didn't wear my natsuo cosplay as much as I intended to, but I still wore it nonetheless. It came out really nicely and I'll have to post some pics soon. C: I'm really glad all my friends got to go. wouldn't have been the same without them. C:

Hmm also I'm sick. which sucks but whatever. I'm recovering now. Annnd I have a broken tailbone! yayy rofl. it's no biggie. kinda hurts a little though. lol

Oh so I guess I haven't updated since school started huh? lol or my birthday or any of that crap roflrofl.

School's going well. I'm sort of chillin right now. I'm going to be taking an exam to progress to Japanese III soon instead of being in Japanese II. Hope that goes well. either way I'll be in the same class period lol. so whatever. Also PALs is fun. lol I really like the team and we've had a lot of fun so far. C: can't wait to start going to the elementary school.

also, I turned 16 on the first of this month! yay! I'm really glad I'm finally 16. all my friends turned 16 before me so boo-hoo. lol but I still haven't gotten my license yet. xD I need to drive more with driver's ed and then I will get my license. C: lol I'll finally be able to drive. yay!

Also I dyed my hair a couple of days ago. It looks nice, I think. I hope my friends like it. C: they haven't gotten to see it yet. I also haven't told them I dyed it lol. I'm nervous because I've never dyed my hair anything other than black. xD Hope everyone likes it when they see it.

also I might be going to japan this summer which I'm SO excited about. not for sure yet, but we're really planning it.

umm I guess that's all really. Until next time...

/kaiOUT

Oekakiart is being shut down. I am pretty sad about this since almost 3 years or so of my life have been spent on that site. If it weren't for OA, I wouldn't have met a lot of the wonderful friends I now know online. I'm really going to miss CO. It was my home and the people were my family for a very good chunk of time. Although I left for a time, I still loved the people on there as my family. You're all so great and I am truly going to miss being able to drop in and chat and draw and see what everyone has been up to. The members of CO have helped me through a lot and I want to thank all of you for that. Everyone there has a special place in my heart. I want to say that you all are truly great people and that I hope you all go far in life and that I hope a replacement CO works out. I hope to find more time to spend with you all if it does work out. If not, then I will always remember all the fond memories we've all shared and created together through art and friendship.

I'll never forget you, and I'll always love you, CO.

A special thanks to Rena for being so fucking awesome. You were the most incredible superadmin I could ever imagine and I couldn't even fathom what CO would be without you.(well technically, it wouldn't be. but you know) You're an amazing friend and I hope to be able to talk to you more in the months and years coming. Hopefully we can meet up eventually. Thanks for all the memories and jokes and smiles you've shared with me over the years. I'll be writing to you definitely. I donno why we didn't keep up the pen-pal thing. I hope that ChipZ weenie will always be a reminder of our friendship. You are so awesome and I'm so glad to be your friend.

I love you all. ;^;

/kaiOUT.